The shutdown that never happened

In the O3 environment, we strive to motivate the employees by whatever means necessary. This encompasses plenty of lying and concocting of tales. Truly, the ability to weave stories out of thin air and make it complicated is a skill that the biggest of bosses must develop to his full extent if there's to be any sort of motivation.

Take for example how they managed to "motivate" us by dangling the possibility of a week long holiday during this past christmas week. In order to make it more believable, the story involved the next next most senior of bosses' putting up the proposal of the week long reprieve. The biggest of bosses would then pretend to hesitate and actually consider the idea, right up until the friday before christmas. With no announcements and just rumours flying around, it is postulated that work is improved and the spirit of the staff raised. Its all free. As usual.

Merry Christmas to all, the O3 way. Work work work!
(There's minimal xmas decor in the office too, so that the workers aren't distracted. That's the spirit of O3.)

Increasing Company Assets for Free

This section will outline a valuable plan on how to increase your company's assets at no cost. Note that it is not low cost, but i'm speaking for virtually NO cost! For free!

Steps to Follow:

1) Lure an unsuspecting employee/worker/slave to request for financial aid in procuring what they believe will be a personal item. (In this case, it was a laptop.)

2) Remain vague about the terms of "loan" and do not write done anything in black and white.

3) If you have the O3 environment in place, the consistent change of decisions and policies will help you greatly later. If not, start manipulating and changing your procurement policies for employees now. Change them at least 3 times a week and always with different staff to add to the level of confusion.

4) Once the item has been purchased using the "loan" from the company. Secretely deduct the amount from the employee's paycheck for the next month but keep the item in use in the company and do not allow it to leave the building.

5) When confronted about the supposed "loan", scream and shout profanities. This will reduce the employee's desire to pursue the matter. Say that such important/high-tech items must remain for company use only since the company had to pay (albeit temporarily) for the item.

6) Remain upset at the employee and threaten to fire him/her. This aids in permanently shutting them up. If he/she repeatedly questions the matter, initiate a 10% pay cut. That would definitely shut them up.

So there you go. Although this scenario in this O3 environment involved a laptop, it would in principle apply to office stationery, IT equipment, pantry food, water, and even the air they breathe. Give it a try!

Boss at Fault? Imbossible

Yesterday was a tragic day for the poor engineers of the O3 environment. It all started when the staff were going about their usual start of the day routines by clocking in. Upon looking for THE key that would open the mystical door to their office, it was missing! *play low and loud tragic music*

The engineers looked for the bunch of keys in the usual spot but it wasn't there. They hunted high and low then found it on the Big Boss' table and...his glass door was locked! Isn't it tragic? So, what is there to do since the Big Boss is the only one with the key to his door? One of them had to call him to come to office. And come to office he did, reaching a good 30 mins late.

How does the O3 environment react to this scenario? The Big Boss calls everyone into his glass office and blames the engineerins. He perceives the issue to be the engineers fault for not having brought up the system flaw of having no extra set of keys set somewhere else. (note: the system is the Big Boss', so go figure.) To add insult to injury he demands that all engineers stay back after work for an hour in order to atone for their sins.
This system is very effective. The O3 environment has won once again. It managed to get extra hours of free labour extracted from the engineers and the Big Boss remains guilt and error free.

Learn from O3 and make your business grow at minimal cost!

O3 way to save space and money

Here in the O3 environment, senior management is attempting to expand and make the company one of the elite in its industry. As such, changes must be made and let me list some of these changes:

1) Hire more "qualified" workers. First fire or let go the experienced and more expensive employees. Either make life impossible for them or threaten to deduct their wages for the smallest infractions. Then place an ad in the newspapers about how GREAT the company's O3 environment is. Its all in the wording. Interview as many potentials and hire the cheapest ones.

2) Save money in having to expand in terms of renting another building or office space. Make more office space by shrinking everyone's cubicle. Cram as many people as possible in the smallest confines. Cubicle size should not be larger than 4 ft long table.

3) If any rooms or areas are not utilized (other than some sapce for walking) it means that you can take back all the space, force the staff into half the area they need, and use that space for money MAKING purposes like warehousing stock and shipment.

4) Throw away as much "useless" items as possible. This includes all research and filed paper materials. They take up space and space equals money. Its all in the rent per sq foot and the wage per minute.

Follow the steps above and you'll have people working like sardines in a can for the price...of well, sardines in a can.

And as usual...the above is all true in the O3 environment I work in.

The Explosion of the Year

Lovely what losing your temper can do in one day. The amount of destruction from having uncontrollable emotions always has a shock and awe effect.

Take for example the happenings in today's O3 envinronment. Boss was happy one moment and mad the next. Happy times were with his family and he even gave pay increases to confirmed staff that day. Angry...now angry is baring his pearly white teeth.

Boss got mad. Boss began the rampage of shouting and screaming. Louder than normal. One person got fired. No two. Another one resigned on the spot. A fourth fawn got caught in the crossfire and dragged into the war zone. Boss fought and hit hard. He yelled more and hit more. "It hurts!" she cried. "Yes it should!" he replied. And on it went. She left the building in a hurry and saw a doctor. Perhaps even the police thereafter.

*pause. sounds fake? like a fairy tale? The above is true.*

Well, for the ones that got fired, their jobs fell on those left behind and even had to go to poor souls in other departments who had no idea what to do with it. Everyone is frustrated and disgusted. How can we raise morale? I say the solution is obvious. Replace the boss.

Signing and the Meaning Within

I was taught at a young age, to make my signature one that's beautiful and tough to copy. It was something that would be used to identify me from others.

Signatures are supposed to be sacred. You sign them on your wedding certificate. You sign them on payment slips and cheques as authorisation. You sign them on your passport to identify yourself. It is unique.

In the O3 environment, signatures are well used in many ways. "Promise you never do this again XXX. Sign it." Sounds meaningful? Not when the circumstances in the O3 environment are peppered with "signed" and forced promises written on pieces of scrap paper that are likely to be lost and forgotten. The sacred signature loses its treasured meaning here...thus i usually just scrawl a curvy line.

Which of course leads to another topic - promises and their meaning. But that's another story for another day.