The shutdown that never happened

In the O3 environment, we strive to motivate the employees by whatever means necessary. This encompasses plenty of lying and concocting of tales. Truly, the ability to weave stories out of thin air and make it complicated is a skill that the biggest of bosses must develop to his full extent if there's to be any sort of motivation.

Take for example how they managed to "motivate" us by dangling the possibility of a week long holiday during this past christmas week. In order to make it more believable, the story involved the next next most senior of bosses' putting up the proposal of the week long reprieve. The biggest of bosses would then pretend to hesitate and actually consider the idea, right up until the friday before christmas. With no announcements and just rumours flying around, it is postulated that work is improved and the spirit of the staff raised. Its all free. As usual.

Merry Christmas to all, the O3 way. Work work work!
(There's minimal xmas decor in the office too, so that the workers aren't distracted. That's the spirit of O3.)

Increasing Company Assets for Free

This section will outline a valuable plan on how to increase your company's assets at no cost. Note that it is not low cost, but i'm speaking for virtually NO cost! For free!

Steps to Follow:

1) Lure an unsuspecting employee/worker/slave to request for financial aid in procuring what they believe will be a personal item. (In this case, it was a laptop.)

2) Remain vague about the terms of "loan" and do not write done anything in black and white.

3) If you have the O3 environment in place, the consistent change of decisions and policies will help you greatly later. If not, start manipulating and changing your procurement policies for employees now. Change them at least 3 times a week and always with different staff to add to the level of confusion.

4) Once the item has been purchased using the "loan" from the company. Secretely deduct the amount from the employee's paycheck for the next month but keep the item in use in the company and do not allow it to leave the building.

5) When confronted about the supposed "loan", scream and shout profanities. This will reduce the employee's desire to pursue the matter. Say that such important/high-tech items must remain for company use only since the company had to pay (albeit temporarily) for the item.

6) Remain upset at the employee and threaten to fire him/her. This aids in permanently shutting them up. If he/she repeatedly questions the matter, initiate a 10% pay cut. That would definitely shut them up.

So there you go. Although this scenario in this O3 environment involved a laptop, it would in principle apply to office stationery, IT equipment, pantry food, water, and even the air they breathe. Give it a try!

Boss at Fault? Imbossible

Yesterday was a tragic day for the poor engineers of the O3 environment. It all started when the staff were going about their usual start of the day routines by clocking in. Upon looking for THE key that would open the mystical door to their office, it was missing! *play low and loud tragic music*

The engineers looked for the bunch of keys in the usual spot but it wasn't there. They hunted high and low then found it on the Big Boss' table and...his glass door was locked! Isn't it tragic? So, what is there to do since the Big Boss is the only one with the key to his door? One of them had to call him to come to office. And come to office he did, reaching a good 30 mins late.

How does the O3 environment react to this scenario? The Big Boss calls everyone into his glass office and blames the engineerins. He perceives the issue to be the engineers fault for not having brought up the system flaw of having no extra set of keys set somewhere else. (note: the system is the Big Boss', so go figure.) To add insult to injury he demands that all engineers stay back after work for an hour in order to atone for their sins.
This system is very effective. The O3 environment has won once again. It managed to get extra hours of free labour extracted from the engineers and the Big Boss remains guilt and error free.

Learn from O3 and make your business grow at minimal cost!

O3 way to save space and money

Here in the O3 environment, senior management is attempting to expand and make the company one of the elite in its industry. As such, changes must be made and let me list some of these changes:

1) Hire more "qualified" workers. First fire or let go the experienced and more expensive employees. Either make life impossible for them or threaten to deduct their wages for the smallest infractions. Then place an ad in the newspapers about how GREAT the company's O3 environment is. Its all in the wording. Interview as many potentials and hire the cheapest ones.

2) Save money in having to expand in terms of renting another building or office space. Make more office space by shrinking everyone's cubicle. Cram as many people as possible in the smallest confines. Cubicle size should not be larger than 4 ft long table.

3) If any rooms or areas are not utilized (other than some sapce for walking) it means that you can take back all the space, force the staff into half the area they need, and use that space for money MAKING purposes like warehousing stock and shipment.

4) Throw away as much "useless" items as possible. This includes all research and filed paper materials. They take up space and space equals money. Its all in the rent per sq foot and the wage per minute.

Follow the steps above and you'll have people working like sardines in a can for the price...of well, sardines in a can.

And as usual...the above is all true in the O3 environment I work in.

The Explosion of the Year

Lovely what losing your temper can do in one day. The amount of destruction from having uncontrollable emotions always has a shock and awe effect.

Take for example the happenings in today's O3 envinronment. Boss was happy one moment and mad the next. Happy times were with his family and he even gave pay increases to confirmed staff that day. Angry...now angry is baring his pearly white teeth.

Boss got mad. Boss began the rampage of shouting and screaming. Louder than normal. One person got fired. No two. Another one resigned on the spot. A fourth fawn got caught in the crossfire and dragged into the war zone. Boss fought and hit hard. He yelled more and hit more. "It hurts!" she cried. "Yes it should!" he replied. And on it went. She left the building in a hurry and saw a doctor. Perhaps even the police thereafter.

*pause. sounds fake? like a fairy tale? The above is true.*

Well, for the ones that got fired, their jobs fell on those left behind and even had to go to poor souls in other departments who had no idea what to do with it. Everyone is frustrated and disgusted. How can we raise morale? I say the solution is obvious. Replace the boss.

Signing and the Meaning Within

I was taught at a young age, to make my signature one that's beautiful and tough to copy. It was something that would be used to identify me from others.

Signatures are supposed to be sacred. You sign them on your wedding certificate. You sign them on payment slips and cheques as authorisation. You sign them on your passport to identify yourself. It is unique.

In the O3 environment, signatures are well used in many ways. "Promise you never do this again XXX. Sign it." Sounds meaningful? Not when the circumstances in the O3 environment are peppered with "signed" and forced promises written on pieces of scrap paper that are likely to be lost and forgotten. The sacred signature loses its treasured meaning here...thus i usually just scrawl a curvy line.

Which of course leads to another topic - promises and their meaning. But that's another story for another day.

Middle Management - Quantum Management

If you O3 a micro-manager, you get into the special level of Quantum-management. Take a look at this cool article on Micro Management . I particularly am bemused by the concept of WIIFM - What's In It For Me?

You see, in the O3 environment, we have 3 top level staff that own the company. In owning the company, they are either (1) a detail-loving beaver, or (2) a do-this-now tiger, or (3) a forge-ahead-asap bear. We have all three here and they a distinct entities yet being of the same family, I guess, one and the same.

Today I shall focus on the do-this-now tiger. The tiger is obsessed with solving problems here and now. No need to take half a day to think about it, solve it now, preferable within 30 seconds or less. Once there's a solution available, do not waste time to consider any other possibilities. Simply do-it-now and go and solve it. If that does not solve it, you must be lousy. The tiger will implement a different solution off the top of its head and you'll have to try again. Nevermind if others who are affected are unaware. Don't waste time. Just do it. So instructions are flying out of the tiger's office and if the tiger forgets, it must be forgiven for it has too much work to it. Quantum management in effect.

WIIFM is the cascading domino effect of the tiger's style. The poor engineer who receives his instant and likely to change instructions, starts wondering...WIIFM? Usually the answer is "a waste of time". Anyone have had such WIIFM experiences? Please share by commenting. I'd love to know that I am not the sole survivor of this environment.

Dynamic Management

Dynamic Management - The O3 Way

Let me teach you about the tricks of dynamic management, the O3 way.

1) Keep changing all policies, from HR and payroll, to procurement forms and paper work required.

2) Give little to no notice of the changes. This will keep everyone on their toes and hopping about.

3) Fine those that do not follow regardless of whether they know about the change(s). Again, repeat hopping action.

4) Should employees request information or direction, look busy shuffling the mountains of paper on your table and ask "is it urgent?" or "so what's the next step?". Do not forget to change your mind a few hours to a few days later without informing the employee. *hop hop*

5) Spy on the workers through the glass office and walk around rearranging their "stuff" on the talbe regardless of whether you know what it is for. Better yet, just recycle it. You'll be doing the earth a favour, nevermind the employee's silent wails in the background.

The above will instill a sense of constant change in a business, which I'm told means:

a) better understanding of business goals,

b) faster uncertainty management of business goals,

c) flexibility in to contracts (yeah!),

d) accelerated communication amongst the staff.

*I know nothing stays the same....But if you're willing to play the game....It will be coming around again....*

Karoshi Explained

Karoshi in Japanese means to die of overwork. This strange phenomena was first sighted in Japan in 1969 and has continued to plague Japan in the 1980s so much so that the ministry of labour had to take some concrete actions. While the Japanese government has wisely taken several remedies including reducing the amount of bullshit in the Japanese work environment such as tossing rice at collegues faces while they are taking a shit. The world at large is blissfully unempathetic.

Karoshi is treated, in other parts of the world, as if it were some occult science like UFOs. But I do propose that the Karoshi is coming with no more scientific analysis than than to state that the amount of work is infinite, the cases of office bullshit (OB) is increasing, and the fact that spontaneous combustion is actually real.

So in true testament to occupation science, I will (with your help) chart all occurances of OB as well as other forms of Karoshi hazards. Maybe by being in the front line reporting and experiencing Karoshi, a stray bullet might find me and someday this blogger will stop blogging.

Overtime

Overtime. Let me teach you the O3 way of gaining as much OT for free from your staff.

Technique 1: Pay for no overtime = Free labour.
Technique 2: 5 mins before the end of work, call the staff into your office to discuss some minute matter. Call more staff in for the same purpose at the same time. With such a large number of people in your office, by the time you are done and they leave together, it will be a good 30 mins after work.
Technique 3: Fine staff for arriving to work late. Use a punch card to monitor these times regardless of whether they are paid by the hour.
Technique 4: For staff to avoid further fines, they must work 3 times the duration they were late for.
Technique 5: Stare at staff who leave on time disapprovingly as they walk past your office.
Technique 6: Force staff to stay back by the sheer amount of work they have to do - usually 2 person's job.

By following the above, you get:
free overtime from staff = free labour and savings for the company. (c.f. a penny saved is a penny earned)

Welcome to Karoshi Cube

We want to welcome you to Karoshi Cube, a blog about the often frustrating practices of our managers, and our peers in the modern office environment. We? Yes, we are three (this will be the only entry written by all 3 of us). Let us introduce ourselves.

I am The Coconut. I am a consultant for internet technologies. I've worked in a multinational company of thousands, a local company of 10, and I currently work for myself.

I am LJ. I am an engineer. At least I think so. The O3 environment has made me doubt my qualifications though. I am a human being...perhaps.

I am Blind Dog. I am an engineer for an MNC all my life. Blind dogs don't climb trees or corporate ladders, so my name appears at the bottom of every org chart. But, hey! Who's complaining? I'm a manager, I manage my sanity.

Why another blog? We're all rather amused by how a bunch of individuals, when put together, asked to achieve a common goal by working together, with a structure of leadership created around them, function. Throw in the fact that resources (for example promotions) are limited, and there's a very strange atmosphere of cooperation and manoeuvring which is affectionately known as Office Politics. Now the leaders of this mishmash of conflicting interests have found out that these interests often hinder the achievement of the common goal, and thus have created rather odd rules, known to the mishmash as Policies, to help align these interests. The result is a weird and funny behaviour by all parties.

This blog explores these behaviours.

Call it a pschology experiment. In order for this experiment to work, we need EVERYONE's participation. Please contribute. The larger the sample population, the more accurate our discussions will be.

Which leaves only one question. What IS a Karoshi Cube? We'll leave that to our resident business and management expert Blind Dog to explain that. We expect it'll be a future blog entry. We expect it to be rather disappointing.

Yes, No, Stay, Go

Here's a concept. If you don't want someone, boot them out the door. Leave a fine reminder in terms of a footprint deeply imprinted on their behinds. This will humiliate them and utterly destroy any goodwill you may have with them. BUT the good thing is, you will have saved the company many days of potentially wasted salary on this useless individual. Thereafter, should you actually find that you might need it as an after effect, you can always bring them back in, offer them a second chance to return to the O3 environment. Make it their fault for leaving in the first place and place your generosity as the reason why they are offered this precious second chance.

On the other hand....should the someone voluntarily want to leave in the first place, look displeased and reject this ridiculous idea. Make him stay longer than he want to by pricking his conscience that there's no one to take over his job duties. This is likely to cause this individual to stay back at least twice his notice period.

Viola! New HR tactics to save money and reduce the need to find new staff.

*Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career*

A penny saved is a penny earned

This day was a parody of sorts. Think of it as a moment of total recall mixed in with thoughts of beautiful flowers blooming in the midst of large splattering raindrops. Its just something that's impossible to understand. You try it:

The management motto has moved in the financial direction once again - "A penny saved is a penny earned." Ok. So not very investment-sounding right? But the motto is explained to be applying only to all the lowly staff. Senior management is exempt.

Doesn't sound like a big deal? Let me further expound - staff are urged to not take the taxi when possible. Please take the cheaper forms of public transport. The ones that do not give receipts for claims- buses and trains. Next, staff are booked hostel rooms in the red light district (its even cheaper) when lodging in expensive european countries while senior management stays at a 5-star hotel. Next, staff are required to utilize international calling cards when making overseas calls. Senior management spends more than $10000 per month on the phone making international calls direct.

So here's the solution to saving what is even more important, the staff's own pennies. Why take the bus or train? Walk and please do it barefoot. Your shoe soles will wear out and it costs money to replace/ repair. Save the hostel lodging money (only if you can keep the dough in your pocket, else it defeats the purpose) by sleeping on the streets and begging. Earning in euros is good money. Sell the minutes on your international calling card to people on eBay. See? Its the little actions that will slowly put the dough where it belongs. The people.

*I saved money by eating at a hawker center today* - The Big Boss

The O3 Environment

Working in the O3 (to be read as Oh-Cube) environment teaches engineers, sales staff, marketing staff, IT staff and all that stuff the anti-management rules. Hi, I am here to impart the lessons I have learnt and observed on anti-management styles while working in the O3 environment.

An introduction to the O3 environment
O3's are usually businesses run by and within the family. Kind of like the godfather clans, it is tough to break into unless one shows incredible loyalty, works hard and is able to withstand gangster like slurs and actions. In similar fashion, the only other way to gain favour from the godfather is to have some kind of relation to one of the family members.

So stay tuned to learn about how O3s work, and all the things NOT to do if you want your business to succeed without killing, destroying and suffocating your labour force.

*You can age faster than a firefly, lose your sense of decency and burden your heart and soul, all simply by working in an O3* - Karl (fired twice, rehired twice, resigned forever)

Experiment: Work

How much of our lives are spent in a stasis? Doing mundane activities that somebody else would use as part of a more mundane activity. Fortunately, there is such a thing as karoshi meaning "death from overwork". It is not exactly a global killer... but its getting there.

I plan to keep a log of all my experiences and encounters and categorize them like Darwin in Galapagos. Maybe we can find the same creatures in our different environments, for those of you who have not started working this would be a useful introduction "Wk1001: Introduction To Work".

Please leave your comments, I would love to know if we have similar sightings!